I received an email this week from some company trying to get its name out in the public. (I could check and see the company’s name and tell you what it is, but they’re not paying me, just bombing me with junk emails.) The premise I thought was a little strange. “What are the best and worst cities in the country to have a staycation.” The concept seemed rather strange because a staycation is taking a vacation without leaving home. That means there is no way I can take a staycation in Buffalo, New York. That would have to be a vacation since I would have to drive a few hours just to get there. I must staycation in northwestern Ohio. That’s the way these things work.

But anyway, they came up with this whole list of cities ranked by the number of recreational activities, like parks and golf courses, by food and entertainment, by rest and relaxation like how soft the beds are in hotels or something I guess, and by weather. And they can’t be ranked by best weather since Minneapolis is ranked 9th and Honolulu is ranked 66th. Who these people are that love Minnesota weather that much more than Hawaii, I don’t know. (And I’m not going to check the company’s name to find out!) So, these rankings are rather suspect. After all, Fort Wayne, Indiana, weather is ranked 25th.

But back to what I was going to mention, this nameless, accuracy-intensive company included some worthless factoids it called “key stats.” I wanted to share some of these with you. For instance, the company tells us that Las Vegas has 87 times more live performances per capita than Lincoln, Nebraska. Duh. More live shows in Vegas vs. the capital of Nebraska. Who’d have thought that? Why is this company bothering me with useless information?

Let’s continue. Tampa, Florida has 143 times more zoos and aquariums per capita than New York City. Seems a little strange. I’m not surprised that the Big Apple does not have a large number of animal attractions, but 143 times as many of anything seems too many. I wouldn’t know why Tampa would have 143 times more zoos and aquariums than any city. That’s a whole lot of extra animals.

Continuing. Going bowling in New York City is 3.5 times more expensive than in Buffalo. Alright, we’ve officially surpassed the Who Cares Quotient. I would assume doing most anything in New York City is more expensive than in Buffalo, so why study this? Probably government funding was involved, but I’m not going back to look for that company name to find out. At least the thought of people going on vacation in New York City to go bowling just makes me giggle.

Next we bring it closer to home. According to this nameless, accuracy-intense company with nothing much to do, going to a beauty salon in Los Angeles is three times more expensive than in Fort Wayne. Make a mental note of that one. If you go to southern California, wait to get your hair done until you get back to Fort Wayne. The difference might save you enough money so you can go to New York to go bowling.

Staying in Fort Wayne, apparently hiring a maid in the City of the Three Rivers is inexplicably five times more expensive than hiring the same domestic help in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. My congratulations to the maids working in Fort Wayne for pulling down some good coin. Is it because nobody pays good money in North Carolina or are the professionally-cleaned houses in the Summit City all spotless? The world may never know.

One more regional “key fact” is that Cincinnati has 173 more public parks per capita than Toledo. That’s what this company says. I’ve been to Cincy, but I don’t remember a park on every block. I also don’t remember a dearth of trees in Toledo. But what do I know. I don’t even know the name of this silly nothing-else-to-do-than-waste-everyone’s-time company. It’s probably one of those statistical tricks. Like the one where every person in the world can stand up on one square foot of land apiece inside Jacksonville, Florida. I’ve heard that one a lot. Apparently, Jacksonville takes up a whole lot more square footage than normal cities, so there’s enough room for the world’s population. And there’s plenty of room in the stadium where the Jacksonville Jaguars play. Nobody shows up there!

So what have you learned today? Well, precious little, really. But you do know thing are expensive in Los Angeles and New York City, and maids are expensive in Fort Wayne, and there are a lot of trees in Cincinnati and few in Toledo, so if you have to walk your dog, travel south. And, according to nameless sources and companies, you can staycation anywhere in the U.S.A. And, of course, the weather in Minneapolis is better than in Honolulu. And, of course, don’t believe everything you read.