It’s that weekend. Yard sales everywhere you step. For some people, this is heavenly with signs lining the road and tables full of stuff farther than the eye can see. Me, I’m not a fan. I have enough stuff to last me until next year, thanks anyway.

But I’m not going to deny anyone their sense of fun. Just don’t step out in front of my car to go dicker with someone for that used waffle-maker. That’s one of the things I’m not too keen about when it comes to such sales. Too many people forget that roads are for traffic and the “That’s OK, they’ll stop” attitude causes a few additional cardiac events.

But this is a huge weekend for yard sale fanatics. All along Lincoln Highway and along U.S. 127 there are yard sales, and please call them yard sales. Unless, of course, the one you are visiting is actually in a garage. If the items are in a garage, great! It’s a garage sale!

If they are in the yard, guess what? It’s a yard sale! There are tent sales, antique sales, junk sales, and all sorts of things like that. Some people call them “tag sales” because the merchandise could be anywhere, and they wouldn’t want to miss a sale!

I don’t like shopping at garage sales because I’m too lazy to walk through someone’s garage (or yard) to hunt down things I really don’t need. I don’t like having a garage sale because most of the customers are just plain cheap. I could set a solid gold bar on a yard sale table with a $1 price tag on it, and the first 150 customers will all ask the same question — “Will you take 50 cents for this?”

NO! It’s only one dollar! Reach a little deeper in your lint-filled pockets and pull out FOUR quarters! Is reading comprehension a problem for you? (Alright, holding a sale can stress me out! But you know that’s true!)

Let me emphasize, I have no problem with buying things that are formerly used. I have owned only one new car in my lifetime, I often wear clothing purchased at thrift stores, and when I bowl, I rent the shoes. I’m not stuck up and insist only on brand new items. Although there are some articles of clothing we shouldn’t see for sale out on someone’s sale table. And I’ll just leave it at that.

My last sale was a failure. The temperature in April hit a new record low and the wind started knocking things onto the concrete and a few items broke. To make matters worse, the neighbor’s dog came to visit and knocked a few more breakables onto the pavement. Total sales = $20. Total broken items = $25 according to the tags. Of course people would have asked for half off, so maybe I made a couple of bucks after all!

The time before that, I had a pony cart for sale. It was a beautiful item. I had purchased the cart new in Indiana Amish country. I made sure to highlight the cart in my newspaper ad and gave it a prime position in my yard. The day before the sale, some guy saw it, stopped, and bought it for full price. It was a great development.

However when the sale did start, every person asked about that cart I used to have in my yard. Some had read it in the paper and wanted to take a look at it. The simple fact is I could have sold no less than half a dozen of those things and I only had one, and that one was sold before the sale actually started.

I spent most of the weekend trying to remember which stone road in Indiana I had driven down to find the guy who had built that cart. I wanted to buy as many as possible and bring them back to sell to a waiting public. Wouldn’t you know, I had no directions to his place and (of course) no Amish phone number to use to call and order a yard full of them! But at least I got full money out of the one I had.

For those of you who love to poke around table of used nonsense and items you will probably have to fix before you can use them, I hope you are having or have had a wonderful yard sale weekend. And if you are preparing to go out and offer 50 cents for one-dollar items, go back in your own house and read a book. Don’t torture these poor sellers. You’ve been warned.