Maybe it was Easter that did it, but my faith in some parts of humanity has been restored. By way of update, I am proud to report that common sense has indeed won out. I have written about the couple who were going to let the citizens of the Internet name their new baby girl. Cute idea in theory, but in practice you actually have insane people leading the parade of ideas online. It was a website where regular idiots could vote on what the child’s name should be. For the last three months or more of the pregnancy, the leading vote-getter was Cthulhu All-Spark McLaughlin. Can you really imagine going through life with that to haul around. You see, the idea is always cuter when you can force someone else to do something stupid. Fortunately, the McLaughlins opted for the second-place name, so the darling little girl will be known for life as Amelia Savannah Joy McLaughlin. Phew! The girl’s classmates will have to find something different to make fun of rather than her name which was a creature that sucked human souls with a mouthful of tentacles and was dreamed up by an author with a disturbed imagination.

But, you see, that’s the issue when you give a person anonymity or even giving away an identity when you are hundreds or thousands of miles away. Personally, I have been insulted from more than 2,000 miles away. That’s a personal record for me. At least to the best of my knowledge. I may have been cussed out in Thailand or New Zealand by now. It’s sometimes hard to tell where the person at the other end of the keyboard is from. And people on the Internet are quick to get mad at you. We sit in our cozy chairs with a keyboard in front of us, all comfortable in our own little world, and we see the ridiculous words and ideas typed by people who are tragically mistaken, and we feel the need to correct them. I’ve been cussed out over everything from my favorite sport to the kind of laundry soap I buy. Some people receive bravery by drinking alcohol, others by hiding behind a name like Bill583, and still others are helped by a little bit of both. And there’s no holding back a drunk Bill583 who is sitting at home in his underwear looking for a fight with some guy from Ohio who uses Purex with generic dryer sheets.

The Internet is full of experts, most of them self-declared experts. There are real experts and their writings as well, but it seems I always run into the Internet experts, or I-experts, as I like to call them. It is interesting that many of these I-experts are experts on the Internet. They can tell you about software or how to get free software or which button you click on your computer to get it to do most anything. As I said, many of these are self-declared. Bill is an Internet expert because he spends a lot of time on the Internet, and in fact he’s on there right now. That should be good enough credentials! I’m afraid many other I-experts have equally shaky credentials. The I-expert on music has been listening to music for his whole life — you know, that kind of thing. Who knows, it may be Bill583 sitting on his couch in his underwear waxing poetic about Eric Clapton’s guitar playing.

Of course, we can all be I-experts with those kind of credentials. I’ve seen pictures of Australia and spoken with someone from there. I must be an expert! Certainly you can find your own area of I-expertise and climb aboard the World Wide Web too! Remember, you’re the I-expert! Don’t take any guff from anyone. Feel free to belittle your questioners liberally. After all, they’ll never be able to figure out who Larry46891 really is.

But apparently not everyone is evil enough to name a daughter Cthulhu, just the ones who can vote anonymously for somebody else’s kid’s name. And not everyone feels the burden of obeying the Almighty Internet and its team of I-experts, regardless of whether or not they are wearing pants.